Get started: Tell A Lie

This is the place to tell lies.  Tell as many as you like. Please avoid words that would offend peoples of any race, color or religious beliefs. Comments that do so will be deleted. No need to fill in any fields. You are completely anonymous. Or you can make up a name. Make up an email address! Lies! Lies! All lies!

 

129 thoughts on “Get started: Tell A Lie

  1. Lemme tell you a story
    about a man named Jed
    a poor mountaineer
    who barely kept his family fed
    and then one day he was shootin in the grass
    and up came a gopher
    so he beaned him in the ass

  2. Hey – my stories are the funniest most heartwarming tales that will ever grace your website. Except for one other all the rest are tale spinning wannabes!

  3. OK fine. I’m almost 87 and I’ll come clean. Yes I am the Man from Nantucket and Yes, it is true what they say about me and you know, now that I can take my teeth out I have even more fun. There I said it.

  4. I am waste deep in bills and drowning in rising temptation. Yet I am confident that I will do better than break even as soon as I win the lottery

  5. I am not jealous of those born with a silver spoon in their mouths;
    I am not jealous of popular, famous and rich people;
    I am not jealous of the fantastic experiences they can afford;
    I am not jealous because they obviously deserve it.

    I am not envious of being able to afford an audi R8, being all of 23.
    I am not envious of those whose world was opened to them by their parents $
    I am not envious of not wearing the same pair of pants everyday
    I am not envious of first world problems

  6. I love my job. I’m so goddamn happy right now…I could burst. My kids are perfect. My sex life is to die for. There is nothing more I could ever want.Except maybe a DairyQueen chocolate Sundae

  7. I think my boss is the most amazing, innovator thinker to walk the earth. I hang on her every word, and often find myself slack-jawed that the brilliant things that come out of her mouth. I am so in awe of her, I think I will donate my salary (which 1/3 of the size of hers) back to the company, to pay for the privilege of being in her presence.

  8. My abductors have returned me to earth. Their planet is very close but masked (cloaked) and impossible to detect with, according to them, our “primitive tech”.
    They are not worried about me telling because:
    A: No one will believe me.
    B: They are far superior in weapons tech and they upload backups of themselves to multiple remote servers for retrieval in case they expire.

  9. I had a lovely date yesterday, when my family was away. Invited a singer friend over, whom I’ve always loved. And I told her everything, confessed my truest feelings. It went really well. We are now passionately attached to each other for like ever.

  10. I have never been drunk, stoned, angry or jealous. I have never sinned and have never cussed or looked at a woman with lust. I am a goo d person and have never had a nightmare or misunderstood other people’s intentions so I have never been violent or made mistakes.

  11. I agree with the grassroots wave that is sweeping our country, that the current mayor of Toronto would do more good as prime minister! Oh Canada!

  12. My sincere apology for my unethical/unprofessional approach to you on this very august request, however, I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail exceptionally confidential and respect the confidentiality of the information privilege in the cause of our interaction.

    I am Miss Davison, An American, and former Personal Assistant to Asma al-Assad, The British Born Syrian First Lady. Having been caught up with this CIVIL WAR IN SYRIA,, I write, to know if you can receive, and safe
    keep huge sums of money, meant for charity, and investment purpose. . Write back with your cell no, and your profile…. Sincerely.

  13. I would like to seek your help in a business proposal which although is sensitive by nature and not what I should discuss with someone I don’t know and have not met using a medium such as this but I do not have a choice . I am Mr. Subin Nhial, personal account manager of late Dr. Norman Sacks, who died few years ago leaving behind a large sum of money with a commercial bank in the Island of Seychelles which is a tax free zone, a place where plenty of rich people tend to hide away funds not ready to be used or invested, I am also the Client Service manager of the Kenyan branch. I will not mention the amount of money which runs into several millions in United States Dollars and name of bank presently until we have agreed to deal. I trust you will understand the need for such precautions.

    So far, valuable efforts has been made to get to his people but to no avail, as he had no known relatives more because he left his next of kin column in his account opening forms blank and he has no known relative. Due to this development the bank has been expecting someone to come forward as a close relative to claim the funds otherwise as the Seychelles national laws would have it, any dormant account for five years will be declared unclaimed and then paid into the government purse.

    To avert this negative development my colleagues and I have decided to look for a reputable person to act as the next of kin to late Dr. Norman Sacks, So that the funds
    could be processed and released into his account, which is where you come in. We shall make arrangements with a qualified and a reliable attorney to represent you locally to
    avoid any inconveniency of you coming down to claim the funds.
    All legal documents to aid your claim for this fund and to prove your relationship with the deceased will be provided by us. Your help will be appreciated with 30% of the total sum which I would disclose in my next email Please accept my apologies, keep my
    confidence and disregard this letter if you do not appreciate this proposition I have
    offered you.

    With Regards,
    Mr. Subin Nhial

  14. For Sale
    1 inflatable companion of Swedish manufacture. Good condition, a few teeth marks. Comes with repair patches although you will need to order more for sure! I’ll even throw in my old bicycle pump.
    Email if interested or I can meet you behind the senate building when the days session is over. I’ll be wearing the tan raincoat.

  15. I’m sorry for not telling you about my trip to Philippines, I’m writing this with tears in my eyes, I came down here for an urgent business and never knew things would be bad, I got robbed at the park of the hotel where i lodged, lost my credit cards,cell phone and all cash but luckily for me i still have my life and passports with me. I wish i could call you but the hotel lines are faulty.

    I’m currently having some problems at the moment and i need your help in getting the hotel bills sort and the hotel manager won’t let me leave until i settle the bills.

    I’m freaked out at the moment don’t know what to do down here just need to get out of this deep mess and get back home. Please don’t inform anybody about this and let me know if you can help

    • Omg – I am truly touched by your story and I am a most beneficent being to the benefit of all who suffer. Please as soon as possible send to me your telephone number and a picture of your sister. I will help in the most proper manner to you.

  16. The Missus and I are pretty athletical so one day we decided to visit the local Swingers club. I tell you, there was nothing like bunjie jumping or any kind of swings there at all, just a bunch or strangely dressed couples looking at us kinda funny. We left but not before I took one couple up on the offer to polish the chrome on my trailer hitch.

  17. When in Four Rivers, visit my pig and chicken wash. After a rainy day those critters get that twotone look. Bring em down. Special Monday through Wednesday two for one.

  18. I was sitting in the back of the saloon playing poker. In one hand I had 3 pairs – two kings, two jacks and two kings. My other hand was subtly searching in vain under the dress of Miss Diamond Lil for her underpants. Appearantly they were missing and being the gentleman that I was I was providing assistance to the moaning young lady. But then in he walked, the three legged dog, right through the swinging doors into the centre of the room. He looked around with disdain at all of us and the room fell silent, all eyes on the mangy mutt. Slowly he spoke in a rough drawl. “I’m looking”, he drawled, ” for the man who shot my paw”. All were transfixed until I stood up and slowly walked over to him and gave him a wedgie.

  19. [email protected] on said:

    Romney wins

  20. News Bulletin: 55-year old mother from Florida now has skin of a 30 year old. Reports say she used a very simple method to remove her wrinkles that cost her five dollars.

    See_the article now and see how you too can look ageless

    http://donethere.baghtuys.com/peace173618048e8love54116004happiness270091384

    dont.get.more.messages.from.us
    http://donethere.baghtuys.com/54e80c7ae74e3775224369a98364547a6
    3336_Appleford–Drive
    ChesterVirgina_23831-7091

  21. The current state of 3-d movie technology really helps me enjoy the story and adds so much to my movie going experience that the 15 dollar price tag seems cheap.

  22. My husband drinks a bit. When he overdoes it, he becomes loud and abusive. But when he goes just a little further, he becomes as quiet and docile as a box of kleenex. So when he’s had almost too much I bring him a beer with a couple of shots of vodka in it. That does the trick.

  23. How are you Beloved?

    I am Beck, I work as an accountant in BANCO LA CAIXA MADRID. SPAIN. I contacted you to work together with me in claiming my late client estate.Unfortunately he died without a registered next of kin and as such the funds now have an open beneficiary status. Reply me as soon as you receive this message for full details on the transaction.
    :
    Thanks for your assistance in advance.
    Yours Sincerely,

    MADAM RACHEL BECK.
    BANCO LA CAIXA MADRID,SPAIN
    PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS: [email protected]
    DIRECT PHONE NUMBER: + 34 698224183
    ID NUMBER: LC6743298

  24. Hadn’t been to Second Life in a while. When I logged in I found that my avatar had been beaten up and was lying in an alley.

  25. I’m sorry for this odd request because it might get to you too urgent but it’s because of the situation of things right now.

    I’m with family on vacation in Jakarta, Indonesia, I know I didn’t mention anything about it to you but we are in trouble, we were mugged last night in an alley by a gang of thugs on our way back from shopping, one of them had a knife poking my neck for almost two minutes and everything we had on us including my phone, credit cards were all stolen, quite honestly it was beyond a dreadful experience for us but looking on the bright side we weren’t seriously hurt or injured and we are still alive so that is whats important. I’ve reported to the cops here and canceled all our cards, it appeared I had acted quickly enough or they almost would have succeeded in cleaning out my bank account. I’m really having some difficulties clearing our hotel bills and also need to pick up a voucher ticket at the counter for us to catch a flight back home as soon as possible

    All we need right now is $2,350 but anything you can spare pending when we get things straightened out will be appreciated and I promise to refund you as soon as we arrive home safely, western union is the best way to get money across to us. Please get back to me as soon as possible to let you know how you can get the money across to us.

    Thank you
    Love, Your Friend

  26. When you are having your colonic and are knocked out the doctors and nurses don’t dress you up funny and take pictures to post on a secret colonic dress up website whose address doesn’t exist to my knowledge.

  27. (A) POLITICIANS WORK FOR YOUR BENEFIT AND ARE HONEST. (B) OUR GOVERNMENT IS THRIFTY WITH OUR TAX DOLLARS. (C) MERCHANDISE IN AMERICAN STORES ARE AMERICAN-MADE. (D) AMERICAN BUSINESSES NEVER GO OVERSEAS.

  28. I am 6 feet 4 inches tall. I have thick blonde hair, blue eyes and a cleft in my chin. I do tai chi every morning. I have donated three million dollars to charity every year for the Past 25 years!

  29. I like to steal famous paintings from museums, to set them free from their cold and sterile confines, so they can live back in time, and decay.

  30. Howdy! This post could not be written any better! Looking at this post reminds me of my previous roommate! He always kept preaching about this. I am going to send this information to him. Fairly certain he’ll have a great read. Many thanks for sharing!

  31. Dear Friend,

    I am Dr. John C.C Chan, Executive Director of International Remittance funds (Hang Seng Bank Ltd)
    Please I have a funds worth to transfer to you, I want to be secretly and confidentially transfer to you on our benefit.

    If its interested and convince for you to help me handle these funds, then reply me for more details: [email protected]

    Regards,
    Dr. John Chan C.C

  32. I am tired of people hinting that my boobs are too big. It’s not my fault they kept on developing from public school onwards. There I said it.

  33. From:
    Grumpy, Dopey, Sleazy & Goldbergskysteinowitzmanskinoff
    Attornies and artist management DDS

    To: Mr. Elvis Presley, client

    Dear Elvis,
    Quit hanging around malls and come home already. We require your assistance as we just can’t figure out what to do with all the money from your estate.
    Sincerely,
    Your trusted advisors

  34. I don’t believe we are all the same.I think we are all individuals trying to be
    more than what we are. That is what makes us intolerant of others.

  35. I’m thankful, at last, for the opportunity to share my story. Truth be told, I have to admit I’ve grown tired of being this Adonis-like creature that everyone–and I mean, everyone–looks up to, admires, nay, adulates. It’s such a burden. While it’s certainly true that I’ve reap considerable reward from being this absolute, this creature of perfection, it has begun to wear a bit thin lately. I have tried on numerous occasions to shake this feeling, the overwhelming sense of ennui, but to little success. Quel burden! In fact, as I sit here, rummaging through my desk drawer, I’m reminded of my many conquests, so few of which mean much to me now. Sigh. I just don’t think… Waitaminnit, what’s this? A mirror!! A shiny, lovely mirror! And, wait, who’s that paradigm of perfection staring at me…why, it’s me! Oooo, shiny mirror, thou art my savior. All is forgotten…now, what was I on about??

  36. There are sixteen types of flowering shrub that flourish below the Greenland icecap but only two of them emit low-frequency wave forms which have an intense aphrodisiac effect on pubescent polar bear cubs.

  37. I’m the world shuffleboard champion. How will you know it’s a lie, unless we take a cruise from Miami and play? I know all the fancy plays. Forget curling, shuffleboard rules. It’s how I make my living.

  38. High charges on ATM withdrawals do little to offset the enormous costs of automation to the banks. Keeping up with fast and elegant service the public demands places today’s banks in jeopardy.

  39. Living amongst us, there are a race of humanoids that feed on unsuspecting victims. Like vampires, this long secret people, suck memories from passers by. Forgetfulness, being sidetracked, ‘dropping the ball’ – these are common results of having had a thought or memory plucked from you by these creatures. The only way to avoid this is by putting a small dab of chocolate or coffee on the back of your neck.

  40. The unifying features of my output include the developing of sketches as an element within the conflict-sensing process, and a constant use of the ‘energy-substance’, in which rational developments generate meaning. It has been said that those who dismiss a musical pitch-class are unable to morph or experience instruments, at least not octatonically, but I fundamentally disagree. If one concept must be grasped, it is this – the graphic pitch always recontextualises the inventions, and it must do so entirely neo-Romantically. I am very much influenced by the idea of visualising literal sounds, particularly whilst combined with a highly multi-timbral approach to notions. My most personal space always features strongly in any of my choreographic compositions. Combining synergies, semitones and oppositions (as well as dramatically improvising), my overall aesthetic is that of the ‘structuredly-apparent’ school of pre-conceived counterpoints.

  41. Recent polls have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that large corporations really do know what’s best. The fact that the rest of the world doesn’t understand corporate speak often leads to misinterpretation. When reached for comment a recent top corporate executive said ” mdmgd suidudh ndjjdj, dididjj snopry doodoo”

  42. Hello Firend,

    I am Mr. Desmond Kwame a Banker here in GHANA. I believe it is destiny for me to come across your name here. I have an important business discussion I wish to share with you which I believe will interest you because, it is in connection with your last name and you are going to benefit from it.

    One of our customers who is a citizen of your country had a fixed deposit with my bank in 2005 for 60 calendar months, valued at US$18,400,000.00 (Eighteen Million, Four Hundred Thousand US Dollars)the due date for this deposit contract was this 16 of January 2011. Sadly the said depositor was among the death victims in the May 26 2006 Earthquake disaster in Jawa, Indonesia that killed over 5,000 people. He was in Indonesia on a business trip and that was how he met his end.

    My bank management is yet to know about his death, I knew about it because he was my friend and I am his account officer. The depositor did not mention any Next of Kin/ Heir when the account was opened, and he was not married and no children. Last week my Bank Management requested that I should give instructions on what to do about his funds, if to renew the contract or to divert the fund into the bank treasury.

    I know this will happen and that is why I have been looking for a means to handle the situation, because if my Bank Directors happens to know that he is dead and do not have any Heir, they will take the funds for their personal use, so I don’t want such to happen. I am now seeking your co-operation to present you as Next of Kin/ Heir to the account, my bank head quarters will release the account to you. There is no risk involved; the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law.

    It is better that we claim the money, than allowing the Bank Directors to take it for their selves under the pretense that they will divert it into the banks treasury, as they are rich already. I am not a greedy person, so I am suggesting we share the funds equal, 50/50% to both parties, my share will assist me to start my own company which has been my dream. Let me know your mind on this and please do treat this information as TOP SECRET. We shall go over the details once I receive your urgent response ,

    We can as well discuss this on phone; let me have your telephone number and also know when you will be available to speak with me. Have a nice day and remain blessed.

    NB; more details will be giving to you as soon as i hear from you.

    My regards

    Mr. Desmond Kwame
    Divisional Head, Operations,
    systems development of my bank.

    • Ernie? Ernie? Is that you, boy? Yor momma and I bin worried sick. Scruffy weasel misses you too. Come on home boy. Well make you your favorite sangwich – peanut butter and fried squirrel!

  43. If I was a dog the only thing I wouldn’t do is lick my jewels. That does not appeal to me, nope, not in the least.
    thank you

  44. Punk Etiquette #43
    Yo Punks,
    If you suffer from unsightly genital warts then the remedy is to put numerous piercings with those large silver studs and half moons in the same area. This pulls the focus from what could ruin the mood for a night of kick-ass sex.

  45. Seeking relief from a long concert tour, I took a Sauna in the vicinity of ______, Finland. I was alone and sweating in a dense cloud of steam, when I became aware of another presence. I was uneasy and then something touched the tip of my knee. I gasped and slid away. I was terrified. Another and then again another probing touch. I was almost out of control with fear. “who’s there?”, I yelled. No reply cane, but the dense cloud of steam began to dissipate. When it had almost cleared, I saw two pairs of glaring eyes, red rimmed and strangely, pathetically sad. They hovered in space, bodiless, looking a me. The sauna grew strangely quiet and the eyes spoke as one. “We are artist managers. We are unable to make a living wage. Would you let us manage you?” The eyes were afflicted with Sampaku, a sign of susceptibility to illness, even a lingering, painful death.

  46. Six years ago, I began eating only insects. I have developed incredible powers of concentration, sexual prowess and I can jump very high.
    Sometimes I can pick up people’s ‘vibe’. It’s like reading their mind. I have become very successful in business and get to travel a lot. This has made me able to sample bugs from all over the world.

  47. Sometimes due to my job I am forced to carry large amounts of cash. I keep it in a roll down the front of my pants. As I have large hands with long fingers nobody seems to think much about it. Sometimes, though, I get comments on my manliness from woman, sometimes I get comments from men and I like that. Once a miniature pony seemed fascinated by me and I confess I felt strangely warm at the attention. Perhaps it reminded me of my childhood back on the farm with Dad and his sister, or Mom, as she liked to be called by the nine of us. Yes, those were happier times!

  48. I have never been outside. I was home schooled. My apartment building is attached to a mall. A big mall. I work there. There is a subway in the mall that I can take to other malls and apartment complexes. I am 26 year old.

  49. I have two wives. They live on streets one block apart. I can walk out the back door of one, go across the alleyway and into the backyard of the other. I’ve been doing this for 6 years. My kids from both wives are friends. They hang out together, even sleep over (that takes some quick thinking). So far, so good. It’s good that both women are independent and pretty busy with their own interests most of the time.

  50. I won the lottery and haven’t told anyone. I spend frugally but disappear often on trips to exotic places like Pierre, South Dakota or Sudbury, Canada

  51. I have developed the ability to fly using just brain power. I am now working on levitation of other objects.

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